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In my work as a psychotherapist over the past 20 years, I’ve seen the gaps in social and emotional education at every academic level, from K-12 and all the way through college. Nowhere is the gap more obvious than in the area of Sexual and Relational Health. Given my expertise I was fortunate enough to have access to Human Sexuality 101 and 201 when I was a college student. But even with such specified attention to sexual health and the robust conversations I had the privilege of having, I was painfully aware of the gaps in education about the things that truly matter in relationships.
Although institutions of higher education have improved their awareness of the difficulties burdening young adults’ sexual growth and have attempted to better address it, there’s a lot left out of the conversation when it comes to understanding the nuances of healthy sexuality. To close the gap in that education, here are 10 crucial lessons about healthy sex and relationships that even the best Human Sexuality classes don’t cover:
1. Consent Is an Ongoing Conversation
In the post-#Metoo era, this may be the message that actually gets attended to on college campuses more than others. However, there is an enduring, erroneous belief left over that the binary is either "no means no" or “enthusiastic yes.” Consent is not a one-time checkmark; it’s a continuous dialogue with each foray into intimacy. Not only does continuous communication ensure both parties feel comfortable and respected, it also improves the quality of the intimacy itself. Which brings us to the 2nd lesson college missed…
2. Good Communication Is Sexy
Talking about desires, boundaries, and fears might seem intimidating, but it’s essential. Open communication fosters trust, reduces misunderstandings, and enhances intimacy. If you can’t talk about sex with your partner, how could they possibly know what feels good and, more importantly, what doesn’t? Even the most basic information about your pleasure and a curiosity about our partner’s pleasure can significantly enhance the quality of your sexual experiences.
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3. Your Sexual Health Is Your Responsibility
Many colleges offer basic sexual health resources, but understanding your body, knowing how to access care, and taking charge of your sexual health is a lifelong skill. This includes regular STI testing, contraception options, and understanding how your emotional state impacts your libido. Aside from the practical elements of sexual self-care, it is also your responsibility to know what feels good so that you can communicate this to your partner (see Lesson #2). The best way to have great sexual chemistry with another person is to have an understanding of your own sexual chemistry and exactly what makes you feel best.
4. Love Isn’t Everything…and Sometimes It’s Not Enough
Movies and media often romanticize the idea that love conquers all. While love is important, healthy relationships require compatibility, mutual respect, and effort. True expression of love is reinforced in how our partners respond in the more conflictual parts of a relationship. If you’re with a person who becomes aggressive, accusatory or at worst, abusive, it doesn’t matter how much they say they love you. Their actions are speaking the language of a much more sinister emotion. Unconditional love does not exist when there is destructive behavior involved.
“Unconditional love does not exist when there is destructive behavior involved.“
5. You Can—and Should—Set Boundaries
Lesson #4 is a perfect segway to our lesson about boundaries. People often confuse “Boundaries” with “Demands.” The difference between the two is that a demand is a stated expectation about something you want another person to do. A boundary is a statement about what YOU are willing (or not willing) to do. Boundaries outline how you are going to act in a way in which you love yourself AND your partner equally, without compromising your emotional or physical safety. Whether it's about time, space, or intimacy, learning to express your needs and respect others’ boundaries is essential. Saying so isn’t rejection; it’s self-respect.
6. Jealousy Is Not a Proof of Love
Let’s continue our contemplation of boundaries in a potentially unexpected way. When a partner expresses jealousy, it often comes with a stated expectation about how your behavior should change to make them “trust you again” or to make them “feel safer in the relationship.” Sometimes these statements are made in the context of “this is my boundary,” but in fact, it’s a “demand.” Jealousy and the specific set of rules that come with it isn’t actually trust, it’s control. Of course, if there is any behavior that would naturally create strife in a relationship (i.e, poor communication, lying, disrespect) there is ample reason to discuss why this inhibits trust. This is where boundaries play a role. A conversation about trust is best executed when each partner is able to clearly state their expectations about the relationship so that if those expectations can’t be met, everyone has an opportunity to decide what they can and can’t tolerate. It’s not healthy to go about controlling someone or attempting to change their behavior. If someone can’t be what we need in a relationship, we have 2 options. We can either reassess our expectations and explore with our partner how to address them together. Or if that is impossible, it may be time to let that person go.
7. Sex Doesn’t Define a Relationship
A fulfilling relationship is about more than physical intimacy, how much sex you’re having or whether it’s meeting the threshold of what you think other people are doing. Research shows that people are having MUCH less sex nowadays compared to the public perception, so let yourself off the “Comparison Hook.” Emotional connection, shared experiences, and mutual support often play a bigger role in long-term happiness. Don’t let societal pressures about sex dictate what your relationship should look like in any way, but especially in the sexual realm.
8. Grief May Strike After Even The Briefest Fling
Grieving even the most seemingly insignificant relationships is a common and completely valid experience. The emotions tied to them often extend beyond the relationship itself. The grief may stem from the loss of potential of the dreams, possibilities, and hopes we attached to that connection. These expectations create an emotional investment, and when the relationship ends, so does the future we envisioned. Mourning is a way to process not only what was but also what could have been, helping us to heal, learn, and grow from the experience, no matter its size or significance.
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9. Conflict Is Inevitable—and Manageable
We shouldn’t be avoidant of conflict; we should be avoidant of destruction. Disagreements happen, but how you handle them will determine the longevity and health of your relationship. For every rupture caused by poor communication, disappointment, or fear, there is a possibility of repair. If your partner doesn’t meet an expectation you have and conflict may occur if you bring it up, it may be the best way to address the situation rather than swallowing your disappointment altogether. If you lead with empathy and curiosity, conflict may still be unavoidable, but destruction can be minimized or avoided altogether. Healthy relationships require basic conflict resolution skills like listening without litigating, avoiding blame, and working toward solutions together.
10. It’s Okay to Be a “Difficult Woman”
I saved the HOTTEST take for last. There is a fantasy that pervades modern media, television, and movies of dating a “Dream Girl,” the confident, intelligent woman. The more outspoken, the better, right? However, the reality is that this type of woman is most likely emotionally intelligent, self-aware, opinionated, and has boundaries. This kind of complex individual may not necessarily be an “easy” person to be with. The “Dream Girl” then becomes a “Difficult Woman.” It’s ok for people to challenge each other in relationships without acting with contempt or criticism. When a “Difficult Woman” meets someone who has not learned the lessons discussed above, the situation becomes fraught with the sort of resentment that turns into destruction. At times like this, it’s most important to recognize that not every relationship is meant to last forever. Knowing when a relationship no longer serves your growth or happiness is a sign of maturity. Ending a relationship can be an act of self-care.
Final Thoughts
Navigating sex and relationships is an ongoing learning process, often filled with mistakes and pain, just as much as it’s filled with triumphs and joy. While college might not provide a syllabus for this subject, resources like therapy, trusted mentors, and self-education can help fill the gaps. By embracing vulnerability, communication, and self-awareness, you can create the meaningful and fulfilling connections that your college self would have only dreamed of.
Meet the expert:
Cayte Castrillon. Ph.D., CST is a
Psychotherapist and Clinical Sexologist with
a thriving private practice in Bergen County,
NJ. Dr. Cayte does public speaking and
media appearances on the topics of Sexual
Health, Barriers to Relationship,
Pornography Literacy and Perimenopausal
Sexual Functioning.
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